Murder (trying to sleep) on the Chiang Mai Express

We arrive at the station at 5:45pm and after a quick look at the departure board make our way to platform 9 to board “Train Number 1”, we’re in car number 12 so it’s only two carriages down rather than what looks like a walk of 500 metres. We already had our tickets, we applied online for them before we left the UK and got them sent to the hotel so we didn’t have to queue and we were guaranteed. We board the carriage and find our seats, Trish is in seat 24 lower and I’m in 25 upper, which will later be turned in to our beds for the night. It’s getting near to 6:10 and the train still feels very empty, all the passengers seem to be heading down the other end of the platform, great a nice quiet train to ourselves. A few more stragglers turn up, followed by some noisy Spaniards who never shut up for the whole journey, and then we’re off.

We roll out the station gently, while an attendant comes around selling orange juice, which we buy, not for the juice, so we can use the cartons for cups later for our hidden beer, which is banned on all railways in Thailand. More attendants keep appearing, waving menus, asking people do they want food from the buffet car; we decline as the stories on the internet don’t fill us with hope. An hour passes and we start to pull in to a well lit up area, which as it transpires is only Bangkok’s other airport, the bloody train as took an hour to get from one side of the city to the other, no wonder it takes 13 hours at this rate.

Once the train starts its arduous task of getting up to speed again, we pour a beer and watch the city disappear into darkness and settle down for the journey wondering what time the attendant will make up the beds? Now it’s time to check out the toilets and see what lies ahead, maybe drinking beer wasn’t a good idea, on the right side of the train is non European squat toilets and on the left is the much loved European toilet, (loved by anyone who has tried the Asian style toilet on a train or anywhere for that matter) but everything seems to be fine, clean and with running water.

The train begins to stop a bit more frequent now, until it makes its last stop at “Bang Sue” where the train begins to fill up with Germans, I was going to insert a Stan Boardman joke here, but you get the idea. Now we’re the minority amongst the Germans, French, Spaniards and one Thai lady with adorable little boy about 2 years old that comes to see everyone and the only thing he can say is “bye bye”.

It’s now time for the attendant to make up the beds, a portly fellow, dressed like a policeman who sets about his task with great gusto. First he orders you out of your seats, then drops down the top bunk, opens a couple of plastic bags of linen and quicker than Paul Daniels can say “that’s magic”, it’s done. I try and use the ladder to check out my “bed”, useless, so I end up standing on the arm rest and throwing myself in narrowly avoiding the seat belts designed to keep me in! Once I’m in it’s very claustrophobic, but I have a light, with a non-dazzling 2-watt bulb, the constant lights in the carriage just alongside my bed are brighter and do a great job of keeping me awake for most of the journey.

We finish our beers in the lower bunk with the curtain closed away from prying eyes, then I have to put on some tracksuit bottoms to sleep in as the air-con is freezing. I climb up and watch “One Summer” for a couple of hours on my tablet, while Trish is fast asleep, curtains closed, see you in the morning then! I decide to go to the toilet before bed and venture off to the other end of the carriage, once there I open the door to reveal a floor totally covered in urine, what is up with these animals, so I end up going to the other toilets which thankfully were dry and still clean.

Now it’s time for bed and hopefully a decent night’s sleep, nodding off to the gentle sound of the train going over the tracks. Not a chance, across from me was some Spanish girl, lying in her bunk, curtains open, coughing all night long; she even managed to wake the little Thai boy who then started crying and that’s rare in Thai kids.

After no sleep and endless tossing and turning, I hear the attendants come round saying “good morning”, so I throw back the curtain and to my amazement the bloody Spaniard was now fast asleep. I look down, Trish is still asleep, so I go for a walk past down the carriage and everyone is still asleep, I go out and stand by the doors and try and catch a glimpse of Chiang Mai, can’t see anything, pitch black, well it’s only 5:30am. I make my way back to bed and lay there till everyone gets up, even the Spanish girl had to be woken by her friends, who promptly yawned, jumped out of bed and started speaking a hundred miles an hour with the rest of them, dare I say it “unbelievable”. I now peer down through Trish’s curtain and she’s now awake, we get up and sit there waiting till Robocop comes and turns the beds back in to seats in the blink of an eye.

Just before we get to Chiang Mai the sun comes up slowly, a red ball of fire appearing on the horizon, then hiding in the midst of all the palm trees, till eventually it takes up its position in the sky and starts beating down on everything. We pull in to Chiang Mai and wait till everyone gets off before we decide to lug our cases about, once we leave the platform, we try to make our way out past the paparazzi of tuk tuk drivers, taxi drivers and street hawkers till we are chosen by one of them, who takes us in to Chiang Mai.